Letter from the Editor
"Oh, you hate your job?
Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called Everybody, and they meet at the bar."
- Drew Carey

L.A. Noir, it was editor Bryan Carrigan’s idea when we wanted to feature Fernet Branca. I’ve tried it, it’s good, like mentholated motor oil. It cured David Sacks of SFO of the trots he was suffering from for 2 months and no doctor could cure. His brother gave him a shot (or two), then again the next night, and he was well! Now I think he drinks it every night.

So our writers were assigned, went out into the night, and on these pages are what they found. Amazing what treasures you can find in a bar.

Speaking of bars, check out Platinum Live in Studio City. Yes! Some class in Studio City, that’s what we need. The bar is the original one from Larry Potter’s Supper Club in the ‘40’s - mahogany, waving around the big room, a giant tv like you’ve never seen before. Not that it matters to me because I retire in the evening at around 11pm, but I’m hearing lots of complaints that they don’t stay open till 2am. And for you night owls, we have a little mini-cut-out guide to L.A. noir for your wallet on page 31.

But here’s my latest greatest find - the one stop shop for all your Latino-Jewish hip hop needs! ¿Que onda, raza hoodia? Welcome to hoodios.com - where you can get info, check tour dates, buy product, fantasize about, and send threatening messages to everyone's favorite Latino-Jewish all-star trilingual rap sensations...

Hip Hop Hoodios!
News/noticias: Hoodios’ new cd and Raza Hoodia ep is now available! Disc features guest appearances from members of such major Latin-alt groups as La Barranca / Caifanes, Los Mocosos, and Orixa.....Buy it at amazon.com by searching for the words “hip hop hoodios.” More hoodios downloads on mp3.com.

Hoodios on tour: Hip Hop Hoodios came to the West Coast this month for a tour with Latin ruckus compatriots Orixa. At the Conga Room March 31.

Did you see Los Hoodios in the news? If not, you missed great articles in Newsday, The ny daily news, and The new york times. Be on the lookout for more great media coverage of everyone’s favorite Latino-Jewish boy band! More about them in our next issue. - Annie

Cecily Speaks
by Cecily Knobler
Depth Perception

I am standing in the checkout line at Ralphs Grocery, watching a woman whose nametag reads “Satellite” scan my items. As the six-pack of Corona passes, Satellite mumbles a few words that resemble a question. The gray matter in my brain, having been infested with the insecurities that Los Angeles often heaps upon struggling women, bestows an answer. “Oh you’re so sweet. No, I’m actually WAY over twenty-one.” She looks at me curiously and tries again and AGAIN, I think I hear her and say “Are you serious? I’m thirty! Must be the pony-tail.” She asks again, only louder, “WHAT IS YOUR RALPHS’ CLUB CARD NUMBER?”

Oh. I laugh nervously, hand-over my Club Card and beg Satellite with my eyes to drop the issue. She does not and after what seems like hours of ridicule from her and the small crowd that has formed behind me, I’m granted permission to leave.

En route to the Coffee-Bean, I hear three great songs in a row, which gets my mind-a-spinnin’. I pretend that each makes up a portion of the soundtrack used for my “Biorhythm” segment on MTV. Now, logically, I know that the show is no longer on and when it was, it was uncommon for the producers to spotlight un-employed ex-radio djs. But logic dare not tread in the delusional cesspool that is my brain.

In case you are unfamiliar, “Biorhythm” was a program that told celebrity stories using one-liners and what MTV deemed “appropriate music.” For example, in Jewel’s “Biorhythm”, they showed a picture of a beach with the caption, “Jewel lived in a van for 15 years” or some shit. All the while, “Going to California” sadly droned in the background.

For the first song, Coldplay’s “Yellow” appeared to be a perfect fit to underscore how hard it was as a child to have a stage-mom who loved too much. That song was followed by Alanis’s new hit “Hand’s Clean” where somehow (and God only knows how!), the producers got a hold of my first stand-up tapes showing a bedazzled girl with her head gently resting on the microphone. The caption reads, “Cecily was just about to give up when something happened at a local grocery store.” This brings us to our next song: a one-hit-wonder by Len called “Steal My Sunshine.” While this upbeat ditty is heard, slow-motion images of Cecily looking distraught are seen while a woman resembling Satellite laughs uncontrollably. The caption reads, “Cecily was even more determined to make it after a grocery clerk tried to, in fact, steal her sunshine. That year, Cecily won four Oscars and married Ewan McGregor.”

I am so lost in thought that I haven’t even realized I’ve arrived at the Bean. The parking attendant asks me a question to which I answer, “Oh wow, I am definitely over 16 and allowed to drive.”

He looks confused and walks away.

- Cecily Knobler is a stand-up comedian, and former morning host on KZLA.

That's Amoré
by Laura Charelian
One for the Money, Too Much for the Show
Dear Laura:
Dating is so expensive, especially if you’re a guy. I just dropped a bundle on a movie and dinner that went nowhere. What’s a not-so-poor-but-not-rich boy to do?
Going Broke on Sierra Bonita

Dear G.B.:
Nowadays, footing the bill has become a coed affair. However, in the interest of gallantry and simplicity, on first dates the guy should always expect to pay. First dates are tricky enough without wondering who pays for what. Is this sexist? I’ll trade you 2 hours of make-up, hair, and wardrobe drama in exchange for picking up the tab.

On a first date, make it a daytime event. This alleviates numerous pressures and awkward moments, and is easier on the wallet. How do you get around the expense without appearing cheap? Be creative and fun! Do brunch at the Farmer’s Market, pizza on the Pier, or ice cream in Old Town. For something new and different, hit “The Grove” or hop a train downtown and cruise Broadway or Olvera Street. Find a scene that’s geographically friendly for both of you and make it. Stroll, talk, relate. If the chemistry is there, continue on into the afternoon. If not, say goodbye, and you have your whole day ahead of you.

Break the first date/movie mindset. Unless there’s a flick you are both dying to see, time spent on your initial outing can be better maximized by getting acquainted than by sitting mutely on your butts for 2+ hours in a dark, loud room surrounded by a bunch of strangers. In a town that lives and breathes film I realize this may sound sacrilegious, but I’m simply suggesting saving a movie for later. By the second or third date, things can get a little more nocturnal and cinematic. I personally feel whomever initiates and sets up the date should pay. If your companion never makes the first move or takes any initiative, that should tell you something.

Get real about your true dating objectives. If you want to play, you got to pay, knowwhatImean, G.B.? If you’re just looking for something to do on a Friday night, karaoke with your buddies or staying home with an Osbournes rerun is much more entertaining and cost effective.

- Send your love-related questions or comments to amore@us.inter.net. Laura Charelian is a local writer currently working on her first book on love and relationships.

Hot Property
by Christopher Bradley

Selling your Home, Alone.
It’s a cold dark night. You can’t get it off your mind: the tremendous amounts of money and time, the emotional abuse, the needless bickering. You can’t stop it. It’s there in front of you yet you don’t know how to handle it. You need to sell your home but haven’t a clue how to begin. You’re thinking about selling it yourself. But if you do it incorrectly, it could affect your bankbook, your emotions, your energy, your time in ways you couldn’t possibly foresee.

Some will read this with a skeptical eye and think to themselves, “Of course he believes you should use a Realtor, he’s a Realtor . . .” I promise you, knowing what I know about law alone would encourage me to use a buffer between myself and the buyer. The quandary of disclosure poses serious issues alone. Although disclosing defects in your home would seem simple, some sellers are known to fudge a bit. It’s a common mistake to think if you disclose a problem with the home you would lose your buyer or cost yourself money. However, even if you lost the buyer because you told them the roof leaked, if that buyer bought the home, in most cases, when they discover the leak, they would have legal avenues to pursue a financial settlement with you at that time.

Let’s think this through. You’ll first need to correctly price your home. Then attract qualified buyers and find the time to show each of them your home. You’ll field calls from Realtors wanting your time. You’ll need to give the buyer information. That information, or the lack of it, is the cause for the majority of lawsuits resulting from a residential sale. Then, if you do get an offer, you’ll need to determine if the buyer is good for the purchase. You’ll need to review contracts and negotiate. This is often an emotional and uncomfortable situation. Then the buyer needs to do a thorough inspection of your home. You’ll respond to the buyer’s requests after the inspection, which in reality becomes a second negotiation. Then you’re required to make retrofitting changes if needed, adhere to time limits, etc. The list of issues and legal responsibilities is ever growing. How will you know if you are doing everything correctly and achieving the most money for your sale? Please, do yourself a favor, find a good Realtor to help.

In the next issue I’ll give tips to help you through the process of finding a good Realtor. For now, contact me and I’ll point you in the right direction.

Christopher Bradley is an award winning Estate Agent working with Prudential California Realty, Encino. Reach him at (818) 929-0180.


Greta Blackburn's Stay Youthful!
Dear Greta,
Two things: first of all, since I turned forty-one last year I have had an increasingly harder time maintaining my perfect weight. Secondly, I also have some joint and muscle pain after working out but have stomach problems with anti-inflammatory medicines. Any solutions?
-Chunky In Chatsworth

Dear Chunky:
Welcome to midlife! Typically, it gets harder for people to maintain their lean muscle mass and keep the fat off. Joint pain, particularly for those who have abused their bodies with years of high-impact or other forms of exercise, is also part of the "Over 40 Kit." Luckily, I may have your answer in one package.

For thousands of years, drinking aloe (aloe barbadensis miller) has been effective as an anti-inflammatory and has decades of clinical research regarding relief and prevention of arthritis. Aloe is showing results in supporting workout recovery. Our muscle fibers are torn and traumatized after a workout and the aloe helps curtail inflammation associated with lactic acid build-up. Several of the compounds found in aloe can prevent arthritis and reduce joint inflammation in already affected areas by as much as 80 percent.

Aloe barbadensis has over 75 nutrients and 200 active compounds including, 20 minerals, 18 amino acids and 12 vitamins (it’s the only source of non-animal vitamin B-12 on record). It is one of the best natural nutritional supplements available and I drink it every day. Regarding weight loss, aloe works to cleanse and detoxify the intestines. Used with a proper eating schedule, aloe maximizes fat burning abilities while supporting the immune system at the same time. It's a healthier alternative than many of the ephedra or caffeine-loaded fat-burners on the market.

Aloe products are sold at some health food and vitamin chain stores, but all aloe is not created equal. There are 240 species and only a few contain the curative and nutritional properties found in aloe barbadensis miller. As always when purchasing nutritional products, check the label! I have tracked down a good source of high-quality aloe through Dr. Gordon Noice, a health guru and public speaker in L.A. He carries patented pure aloe (kosher) and aloe-based products online (not available in stores) with a money back guarantee. He also has a product that combines the detox, preventive and curative properties of aloe with glucosamine, chondroitin & MSM in a liquid form, which is a great combination for those achy joints.

Dr. Noice gives free initial consultations by phone 818-384-6952 or for more info, go to www.teamflp.com/aloegordo or e-mail aloegordo@hotmail.com

- Greta is an actress and a dancer in Los Angeles. Go to www.fitcamp.com for more info! Send your questions on beauty and longevity to Greta at GretaBFIT@aol.com

Do-it Yourself Acupressure
by Allison Howard
Sweet Dreams
Q When I was a kid, I had horrible nightmares which got much better over the years. As an adult, my dreams were always vivid but lately they've turned into nightmares again. I have been under a lot of stress and I don't want to be afraid to go to sleep. Is there anything I can do or any point I can press?
- Scared To Sleep in Studio City

A Yinbai (spleen 1) is a wonderful point slightly superior to the medial corner of the nail bed of the big toe. This point can be accessed by pressing with your thumb or even, for stronger stimulation, using your nail to dig gently into the area of the point. Use this point in the evening and before bed to calm the mind and stop excessive dreaming.

A great Chinese formula to enhance and deepen sleep, Suan Zao Ren Tang, is available in Chinatown or from an acupuncturist or herbalist. This formula supports sleep without leaving you feeling heavy or drugged. It's very important to avoid eating for a few hours prior to bedtime. Sleeping with a full stomach can create restless. Also, be sure to avoid rich and especially spicy food. Hot, spicy food can lead to heat in the heart and a disturbed and unfocused mind and spirit. In Chinese medicine, nightmares or excessive dreaming are often the result of heat in the heart and liver, which flares up at night causing dream disturbed sleep. Another cause can be deficiency of the heart and digestion where there is not enough blood or yin substance to house the mind. The mind and spirit then become too active when they should be resting.

Try to create a peaceful atmosphere in your home for the few hours leading to bedtime. Avoid the disturbing stories on the evening news. You may want to take a soothing bath with essential oils of lavender and sandalwood, drink a cup of chamomile tea or practice a short meditation. Light some candles or anything that helps to create a serene, soothing and safe atmosphere.

So don't be scared to sleep, experiment with some of these options and enjoy sweet dreams! - Allison Howard, L.Ac. is a licensed acupuncturist & herbalist practicing on Riverside Dr. in No. Hollywood. 818-508-0885 or email allipuncture@msn.com.

Daily Dudes
by Dru Gash

Melchor is 53 and just likes to relax and think positive. He's in the entertainment business. Lucia likes the same things he does (veal, Britney Spears, playing with Barbies). She also enjoys traveling to places like LA, Southern California, Mexico, and the Dominican Republic. She loves to shop 'til she drops (or 'til she burns a hole in Grandpa's wallet). Lucia's quote: "Be happy." (I just wanna be like Melchor when I grow up.)

The 6th Element
by Juan Maldonado

Scratch The Movie
I could picture it in my mind as I sat in the darkened theatre, DJs everywhere taking in a deep breath and exhaling slowly thinking to themselves “Finally, some recognition.” The long awaited respect came in the form of Scratch, an exquisitely done documentary that explores the world of the hip hop DJ. It’s not so much that DJs are not recognized in the culture, it just seems that in recent years DJs have started playing more and more of a supporting role to the emcee rather than playing a significant part in the art form as they did in the past.

Directed by Doug Pray, the film features some of the best turn table practitioners around: Q-Bert, Mix Master Mike, the X-Ecutioners, NuMark and Cut Chemist, Premier, DJ Shadow and many others. Scratch also features many hip hop pioneers such as Afrika Bambaataa, and Grand Wizard Theodore who is widely recognized as the inventor of the scratch. Grand Mixer DXT also makes an appearance in the film and is mentioned by almost every present-day turntableist as his or her inspiration for wanting to become a DJ.

The film does an excellent job of showing the history of hip hop and the vital role DJ’s played in the development of the art form. For if it wasn’t for the DJ, hip hop music might have never been born. Scratch is a true film for everyone involved in the world of hip hop; seasoned veterans will appreciate the film because of the homage it pays to the culture and novices can learn about the art form’s roots from the historical content presented in the movie.

Scratch: The Soundtrack
Imagine assembling an all-star team of DJ’s, the cream of the crop, the best of the best and putting them all together on one album. What you would have is the soundtrack to Scratch. The album showcases the talents of many of the DJs featured in the documentary. It has a refreshing sound that takes you worlds away from the banality of the commercial music being played on the radio. The album is chock-full of scratching, mixing, beat juggling and amazing skills being displayed by some of the world’s best turntableists.